I need a trip to Fun Land

Working between Christmas and New Year is a waste of time.

I can't even muster the enthusiasm to look for another job. I'd rather be having a walk with the misses and the dog or sinking pints in a pub with my brother.

The warm Christmas memories will hopefully remain long enough into the new year to beat off that feeling of hate I have for January. It is a strange thing to have a massive dislike for a month but it never brings anything good. Everyone has a dark misery cloud over their heads for the entire month, everyone is skint, the weather is shite and all I look forward to is the FA Cup third round.

We have our first scan next Friday and I can only hope that everything is alright. The misses is feeling pretty queezy most of the time but in truth we have no idea how things are progressing.

We are just hopeful.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.

~Benjamin Franklin

May you all have a very Happy New Year xx

Have yourself a merry little christmas

May your heart be light.



May I wish everybody a very merry christmas.

Paul x

Learn to fly

Feeling festive if little tired. My job is getting me down and I'm looking forward to the few days off at Christmas.
I have been doing my best to help the misses remain comfortable and stress free.

I have learnt the following things that I should already know but 'cos I'm a bloke its new to me:

• I actually now know that the different washing machine settings really do mean something.
• I know that the mass of cleaning products under the sink are plenty and there a great many things to remember when you cleaning different rooms.
• I know that I'm no expert and I miss a few things.
• I know that I had no idea how hard work it is keeping a home as well as doing a job.
• I know that it keeps getting dirty as soon as you have finished cleaning.
• I know I'm going to have to continue this for some time

In bloom

Finally I have five minutes to download my brain after an eventful few days.

Friday - initial hysteria and disbelief carried us through the day and into the evening, jaw ache from smiling and just a couple of glasses of Verve Cliquot in the company of some friends topped the day off very nicely.

Saturday - Another test another (stronger) line wow it really is happening. It was my birthday this weekend and I had pre arranged with my brother an afternoon out at the rugby. Before coming onto that afternoon/evening/next morning we had some visitors.

The misses brother moved to Wales in the summer with his wife their two beautiful daughters.
This weekend they were staying at the MIL's and we spent the morning there catching up and playing with the girls. Everyone was so delighted with our news and really pleased for us both. It was great not to have to have 'those' thoughts. (By 'those' I mean the bad ones)
The misses stayed with them all day and enjoyed the fun and games you have with a 2 and 4 year old.
Meanwhile I went out with my brother on the train to the match (acting like a pair of 8 year olds) chatting, laughing and generally being boys. I hadn't felt this relaxed for such a long time.
We had trouble getting to the stadium and the queues for the shuttle bus went on for miles. We ended up chatting to a bus driver who's route sort of went near the stadium and I persuaded 40-50 people that I knew where I was going and if the wanted to get to the game on time they should follow me!! We did make 10 minutes into the game and a good crowd of 17,000 were in full voice and my team was winning. Our team were playing a much stronger side and we had not even hoped to get near them let alone beat them comfortably. More beer, more chatting to the lads from Ulster another cab ride, another pub, more beer, cab ride home, fall into bed 3.30am.

Sunday (Birthday; 32 and already had the best present ever!)- Ouch. I knew I'd booked a hangover and here it was.
The girls came over to our house and helped me open my gifts and blew out the candles on my cake. When they left all I managed to do was lay on the couch all day with the misses but it was perfect. We did another test and kept grinning.

Monday - Off to work (man I'm having a tough time even with the good news each day is just a constant battle) then off to the clinic in the afternoon for the blood test. The blood went to the lab and the results came in this morning: HCG level322 (14dp3dt) which is very good news. We have a scan booked for 5th Jan ( 7 weeks) which will be our last visit to the clinic before we are handed over to the good old NHS. Spent the afternoon at me Ma's house and loved it as she phoned the rest of the family and her friends to let them know.


We have been so very touched by peoples kindness. Family and friends and people we don't know have expressed kind wishes.
The blog community has proved very important to us and I never dreamed that I would find such hope, inspiration, information, warmth, positivity and friendship as genuine and sincere as I have. As we both have.
Thank you all so very much, with much love
Paul and Amanda xx

"F*** me, there are two lines"

Woohoo!!

Woke up this morning at 6.33 after not really sleeping very well and in the most unromantic moment we've ever had in our bed asked "do you need to go to the toilet yet?"

The misses in the the bathroom and shouts "F*** me there are two lines".

It was true, I never expected it to actually work but it's bloody true.

Phoned the Mum's, who were naturally delighted, held it together with a dose of realism. You know the convesation - "early days, blood test Monday, it's only 99% accurate etc"

Got in the car and burst into tears after 2 minutes.

So delighted.
I changed the words a little to Bob Dylan's Tangled up in blue:

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',

I was layin' in bed

Wond'rin' if she'd peed at all

If her stick had turned pink!!

गणेश

May Ganesh, the god of good fortune, be with you all.

Namaste

I just don't know what to do with myself

Mmmm, Okay, alright, yeah not bad, oh you know, good thanks, fine, average, how are you?

All answers to the question that greets you more times than you care to remember in a day. People have asked about my well being over 30 times today. Only 2 or 3 actually were interested in the response.
Why do you bother asking people how they are? Common courtesy I suppose and I've never really gauged the reaction with so much interest before. We are all guilty though of not really giving a shit if someone you work with is going through the mill or is on top of the world.

Truth is I have no idea how I feel. I have been very busy in my job (working stupid hours so far this week) and things are not to clever with the project I am running. However it has kept my mind off the dreaded wait for long patches of time. My misses has been really struggling and we speak 5 or 6 times a day to check up on each other. This is also not the normal pattern. I really don't know what to do, we really don't know what to do.

Also there has been some possible good news from blog buddies which has really turned things upside down. Do we do a test yet? Dare we do a test yet? That was a rhetorical question by the way, please don't make it harder for us!! - Good luck girls we are thinking of you.

We have the old blood test booked for Monday afternoon. Tick bloody tock.

I was sent this by a collegue who was trying give me some inspiration as my project decends into a big pile of wet elephant shit:

perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim
-Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Utter bollocks.

Try Not To Breathe

This time last year I was in Nepal climbing a few hills and eventually getting to a peak of 4100m (nearly 14,000 feet). Now, if I thought that trekking in the Himalaya was tough, I was wrong.

Nepal is a fantastic country, we visited during a cease fire and were trekking in a part of the country that was overrun by Maoist rebels however, our trek leaders had planned ahead and written to the head honchos. We had been granted a safe passage through the mountains and we're guaranteed a stress free stroll in the foothills of the highest peaks on planet earth. We we're unaware of this (typical tourists) however I had been following the political situation with some interest and thought that we may meet some freedom fighters on our travels. If truth be told I was actually very keen on meeting these people, as long as no one was going to point an AK47 at me or my Mum. Oh I forgot to say that I did this trek with me Ma.
Any way all we really had to do on this once in a lifetime experience was walk. We had sherpa’s to carry the baggage, tents, food, etc.

I fell in love with the county and the people but most of all this experience made me realise just how fucking lucky I am to be me. More importantly I taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to have choices in life.

This 2WW is really getting to me. My Misses has been amazing, not a single whinge. She has been really unwell since the egg collection but has not complained once. It kills me to see her hurting physically.
In many ways it is a piece of piss for us fellas, we’ve done our bit and are allowed to get on with our usual patterns. After the last attempt at IVF we are more prepared for things not to go our way.
It still really hurts though to see her not at 100% and every time she twinges I am immediately concerned. All we can do is wait………

River Deep, Mountain High

Hello world. This is the first drunk post.
It's really unfair how I can now do whatever I want and get drunk whilst the misses has to keep it together.

I honestly did not expect to have other people reading my blog and feel that I may have changed my style of blogging since I became aware that there is an excellent support network of people I have never met, but who really understand what me and the Misses are going through.

So on behalf of the Misses and I, a heartfelt thank you is in order. We read your blogs with interest and it has had such a big impact on our lives that we are both eager to chat about your posts and wish you all the very best in your IVF adventures.
You are all in our thoughts and anyone who is going through this process has our sincere best wishes.

Partnership is the key to keeping sane in my experience, so here is how I feel expressed by words I can never put together:

Do I love you my oh my
River deep, mountain high
If I lost you would I cry
Oh how I love you baby, baby, baby, baby

-Performed by Ike And Tina Turner

- Written by Ellie Greenwich, Jeff Barry, and Phil Spector

Born Of Frustration

I'm living in the weirdest dream
Where nothing is the way it seems
Where no ones who they need to be
Where nothing seems that real to me
What can we build our lives upon
No wall of stone, no solid ground
The world is spinning endlessly
Were clinging to our own beliefs

-Tim Booth

Can't articulate the feeling we are feeling, just very frustrated and can't stand this infernal wait.

Stick with you

This morning we had a call from the clinic. The senior embryologist apologised for not calling us yesterday but there really was little news he could have given us.
We were both a little on edge and even though it is sensible to deduce that no news is good news, this whole IVF journey has, if nothing else, made me a little sceptical.

Turns out the 4 little beauties had done well over the weekend and two in particular we're making excellent progress. (In the UK you are only allowed to have 2 embryos transferred)
Naturally we were delighted and made the journey into London with a good feeling.

Again the staff greeted us like royalty and the Doc was as calm as ever.
We were given an enhanced photo of the 2 embryos which will hopefully one day make it into a photo album. "and heres you 72 hours after conception.."

So with the misses on the operating table and after a brief chat with the embryologist the Doc said "OK, lets make you pregnant."
Last time I couldn't see through my teary eyes as I was in awe of the whole process. This time I was on hand to actually give the misses some support! It really is an amazing moment.

Everything so far has gone to plan and I hope the little magic embryos manage to get a snug little place to settle and hold on. Shes gonna have to take it easy and fortunately her boss has allowed her time off work which is a good thing.

Lucky

I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time,
I feel my luck could change.

- Thom Yorke

The call came. We have 4 fertilized eggs. Find out about the quality tomorrow,

Night Swimming

Wow.
Today got off to a great start. 16 follicles from the misses and my count had increased to 20 million.
At last, I'm Mr Average!!

The embryologist came into the recovery area when the misses went into the operating theatre to have a little 'chat' with me. She explained that there had been a recent science paper which showed and incresed rate to motality/morphology whatever when more than one sample was given. Our clinic were keen to go along with this advice from the research.

Embryologist: "so, we would like you to produce 3 samples for us today"

Me: "three?"

E: "yes sir"

Me: "you are aware that I am not 19?"

Nothing like an ill timed joke however she laughed gracfully and I agreed to try my best.

The misses was in a little discomfort when she first came round but we were more hopeful once we had received good news about the quality of my sample(s). We had swimmers (woo hoo)
It was certanly a great deal better than the first IVF attempt.

So right now we are at home. I am enjoying my first beer for 12 weeks and feeling pretty optimistic.

We find out tomorrow about the quality of the embryos.

My wife has been (as ever) so very brave. Her strength and determination knows no bounds and I understand just how much she wants this to work. We have prepared well and we hope for the best. Babe, I love you xx

slán

Tomorrow never knows

"Turn off your mind, Realx
and float down stream" - Lennon/McCartney 1966

One day to go and the misses has been a real trooper. Not a single whinge
whilst I've been like an angst ridden teenager going through growing
pains.
I'm unapologetic about this though as it has been important for me to
genuinely express how I feel. Looking back over the past 10-12 weeks it's been up and down but overall I'm really quite surprised by how I feel tonight. Whilst we are far from any kind of finishing line its a relief to be at this point.

I am so incredibly proud of my wife and really want things to go well. We've both followed medical advice to ensure that we have given ourselves the best possible chance.
We have been taking the correct vitamin supplements, eating a very balanced diet of organic food and little or no red meat meat. In fact we've almost become vegetarians. No alcohol at all (yes really none) and even though I still do not cut a figure like an olympic athlete I feel healthier than I can remember.

My answerphone had a message on it when I left the office tonight, it was me Ma.
Mums always know the right things to say, and I'm not going to repeat the message but all I'll say is that I love me Ma and all she has ever done is love and encourage me.
I don't tell her enough.

The misses in tucked up in Bed and we leave fro the clinic at 7am. 25 miles from the clinic but getting into central London can take up to 90 minutes.

I'm genuinely excited for the first time in weeks. (Unusually it's not because after nearly 3 months I can finally have a beer) I am really feeling positive and its all down to my brilliant wife.

Who knows what will become of the follicles and my lazy spermatozoa tomorrow. All I know is that we've done all we can and we're 100% together.

All the small things

Had a great weekend with the misses.
Friday night was date night and we went to see a movie (Borat) laughed ourselves silly ate a bucket of popcorn and had a really enjoyable night.
Saturday we went to lake nearby with my brother and the two dogs. The 5 mile walk just sailed by with crisp blue sky and the trees dropping their coloured leaves was a really heart warming sight. Chatting about the small things that matter and not thinking about IVF made a real change.

I did bring the subject up towards the end of the walk and the feeling was that we were unsure if we had a feeling about it at all!!

The misses has another scan tomorrow before the egg harvest on Friday. She has a cute little pot belly where the eggs are growing and the doc says there are about 16 (last time there were 24) which will hopefully mean she won't be as uncomfortable as last time.

Friday is coming and I'm hoping for the best. My men have been well trained and I hope they decide to fucking behave themselves and give the embryologist an easier task than last time.

Then its back on Monday to find out how many have embryos have been developing over the weekend and if they are any good transfered back to their home.

Then comes the wait..................................................................

Helter Skelter

On my way back up to the top o’ the slide after spending some quality time inside my own head.
The misses goes in for a scan tomorrow morning to check on the egg generation. We had plenty to choose from on our first attempt and I hope that this time also provides a generous crop.

Been reading more blogs which I have tried to resist but they have given me heart. There are a few men who are articulating their experience and its great feel that you are not alone.
(Thanks for the message of encouragement Smarshy)

It seems that the IVF experience differs slightly this side of the pond but the emotions are very much the same.
Excuse me whilst I get my ‘Prana’ back in check.

Anything else?

Fuck it.
Yesterday (Friday) was our visit to the clinic. The misses had to have a small op to assist in the IVF/ICSI process and to pick up her daily injections which started yesterday.

Whilst we were waiting to go into the pre op area in the main reception a young girl was crawling around. I was not in the feckin mood to talk to anyone least of all a baby. The child (inevitably) crawled up to me smiled and tried to climb my leg. Despite my snarl and general non interest body language, the child (we later established her name was Mary) really wanted to get on my lap.

Not that it mattered but the child had downs syndrome and her smile was warm enough to make my day. I picked her up and she sat quite contently then played the get down get back up game until we were called into the pre op area.

The Misses was questioned by the anaesthetist checking to ensure that there would be no sign that her teeth would fall out or uncontrollable vomiting if he got the dose wrong. Thankfully the routine op (chargeable of course) went without a hitch and 30 minutes later she was in the recovery area checking the heart rate monitor attached to her finger every 2 minutes. It kept me amused for awhile at least this time after being knocked out and doped up she refrained from attempting to repeatedly hug the nurse.

Whilst she was in the recovery room I was summoned for my SA. The humiliation room was restocked with different reading material than before. Dignity stripped I want back and sat with the misses until she was felling a bit more normal.

Before we left to go home the doc wanted to have a ‘chat’ with us.
The SA showed a massive improvement on the count 14 million up from 3 million in August when we tried for the first time.
Brilliant, the non drinking, healthy eating, vitamin popping, exercise taking lifestyle had paid off. Had it bollocks.

Turns out the mortality rate and abnormality rates were worse. In fact the doc said there was nothing alive. Cue mental and emotional breakdown along with the collapse of remaining self belief and ability to think straight.

Get me the fcuk out of here. “there is no feckin point taking the injections” was all it could mumble before shaking the docs and rejecting any attempt of anyone trying to comfort me.

On the journey home the silence was only broken by a call from the doc saying he had spoken with the embryologist and they thought we should proceed with the treatment,

Cheeky bastards want the money and don’t give a shit about giving us false hope – was all I could think.

I had just been beaten up emotionally again and I just wanted to put the car in the river.

Given a bit of time and a subsequent conversation with the doc once I got home, I realised that they were professionals and if there was no chance of it happening then they would not let us continue.

We still have a small chance but I am still in no mood to think that even a flicker of hope is enough for it to work.

Bollocks to it. Lets go through the motions and see what happens. Can’t possibly feel any worse than it does now can it?

"When you say it's gonna happen "now"

Well, when exactly do you mean ?

See, i've already waited too long

And all my hope is gone"

– The Smiths, How soon is now?

Heart Shaped Box

With the good news in it thought I’d post an update on me and my feelings. It’s been difficult over the past 2 weeks as I’ve been aching for a beer but it was listening to a Bob Dylan track yesterday and the lyrics really stuck me. The song is Positively 4th Street and I related the song as if I was singing it to myself when I’m drunk, or the old me not made up my mind yet.

This kicked me up the arse and I have a renewed rigour and determination.

• Back to the gym,
• no more caffeine (been having a coffee or two every day),
• no more whinging about not having any alcohol
• and finally try to smile a little more often.

I am very excited and can’t help thinking that this time it’ll all be ok and we’ll get the result we want. Experience should teach me to be guarded and approach the situation with caution. Light fuse and stand well back sort of thing.

Last time I was cashing cheques at the bank of emotion that had no chance of clearing as I was over my emotion overdraft limit. This time I’ve cleared the overdraft but am still writing the same cheques.
We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

We find out how it all goes on 8th December which is 2 days short of my birthday.
I hope we have bit of luck

Pride (In the name of love)

This morning we had confirmed dates with the clinic regarding of our second attempt to ascend to the summit of Mt IVF.

Stage 1
Friday 10th November we go in and the misses goes under sedation for a small treatment. The daily injections begin today and we are underway.

Stage 2
Friday 24th November is the egg collection and sample time. Over that weekend the embryologists will be working their magic to produce some good quality eggs ready for the transfer on Monday 27th November.

Stage 3
We then hold our breath for 12 days until the 8th December when we will have a result.

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” – Mark Twain

Climbing up the walls

6 weeks into the new regime and all is not as well as I'd have liked. Climbing the walls this weekend and really, really wanted to have a pint. Did not cave in to the desire though and threw myself into a cooking session on Sunday making a very decent spicy potato and carrot soup. Not as much fun as getting drunk granted but nice to try something different none the less.

The misses had her Prostrap injection on Friday and not without mishap at the doctors surgery. They nearly spoiled the contents of the injection however it all went ok in the end.
I can honestly say that I would have serious reservations about having IVF treatment on the NHS as the level of care is no where near what we have experienced with our private clinic.

Still feel positive, happy and relaxed.

(just like) starting over

Approaching the start line, Prostap injection in hand, the misses and I begin our second IVF/ICSI attempt on Friday.

I am excited but at the same time cautious not to get cought up in the happy hysteria and unrealistic air of positivity I had first time round.
Don't get me wrong I am positive in my attitude but ready to accept that things don't always go the way you want them to.

We have prepared ourselves so far by being very open with each other and we have just spent the weekend in Bruges which is a beautiful place. We walked and talked ate lots of chocolate and said things to each other that previously went unmentioned.

*booze
The misses gave me a honest statement about how she felt about my drinking. In her words I was obnoxious, self obsessed, paranoid, arrogant, verbally aggressive(although she did say never to her) and defiant. Clearly this had put a significant strain on her everytime we went out as she didn't know when or if I would turn into an idiot. Instant asshole, just add alcohol.
I stopped smoking on March 5th. I replaced the cigarettes with additional alcohol. Being somebody who can drink a bit this didn't really come to my attantion until the summer. As the weather got better so does the time spent in the garden.
We have just had the hottest summer on record in the UK. By the end of the summer I was drinking at least 24 bottles of beer and a bottle of vodka in a three day period. I felt little effect at the time but clearly this does lead to some shocking hangovers and mood swings. Not to mention the damage it was doing to my sperm count and my body in general.
I also had other reasons to drink which I will come onto in a moment.

I asked her at the weekend "If I had continued with the drinking, where would that have left us?" the response was considered and and delivered with a little caution "not in a very good state"
It is easy to take things for granted, especially your relationships.

*depression
For the first time in 2 and a bit years I openly stated to the misses that I suffer from depression. It's not that it was new news to her, god knows she has been more than patient in helping me deal with it over the past couple of years. It's just that I have never said it openly, and now that I have it is another small step towards dealing with the illness. I feel like I have to no longer apologise for the way I feel and I have had very few bad days in the past six weeks. So I do feel better, I have a goal and the booze was not helping me deal with depression.
Whew...see blogging really is cheaper than therepy.

So the weekend was a success in more ways than one. We had such a good laugh together and in a city renowned for its hundreds of different beers we remained sober (5 weeks and counting) had great sex and ate fantastic food and chocolate.
Most of all we spent 3 days just being us, you know a couple. It was fantastic.

By the way Belgium is not at all boring and only 2 1/2 hours from London, so go and have a look it's just brilliant.


Friday is nearly here and we are off and running for the second time.



Bring it on.

Running just as fast as i can

10k completed in 56 mins, hope my lazy swimmers can learn a lesson. Turning into a veggie but enjoying the food.

Found out today that the Karyotype results were good. Don't really know what that means other than there is no problem with us trying again for ICSI/IVF. We start with the prostrap next week. The misses is very excited.

Found out that a friend of ours is expecting. Happy for them but for the first time I feel like telling them to stop showing off, feck off and leave me alone. Don't want to know. I have never been interested in any one elses pregnancy least of all now.

Going away for the weekend and looking forward to visiting a new place.

Beautiful Day

After finishing in the gym this morning I walked accross the car park and facing me was the most beautiful sunrise. Pinks and orange lit up the early mornng sky and the sandstone building behind me looked like it had been painted in a pastel orange.
Driving home, admiring the sky to the left, I went past the deep green rugby pitch and to my right was a darker sky and there was a rainbow which just went straight up.

I once herd someone say 'how can you witness a sunrise and say that there is no god'.

Now I'm not going to change my mind on questionable non entity but it was quite something.

Stuck in the middle

Strange time at the moment.
Just waiting now for the next visit to the clinic.
Not nervous, just waiting.

10k on Sunday, more soon.

Street spirit

The new regime seems to be bearing fruit at last. The food going in is having a benefit on my body. I feel better generally and have more energy.
with getting up at early to go to the gym I'm knackered by 10pm and that means I'm getting 8 hours sleep.
The 8th is getting nearer and my training has stepped up a gear. I think I'm going to do ok, defiantly better than 60 minutes.

One thing which really made me laugh this week was my best pal cracking a joke about us seeing a young baby in the ivf clinic. It was the first time we had been back since the bad news and my pal said "it must have been like - here's what you could have won, unlucky take it away boys" just like a game show host who teases a contestant who has come up short.

We are awaiting the Karyotype results however the misses has already got dates penciled in and the Prostrap injection could be in less than 30 days.

It is still very difficult mentally having to talk about IVF every day.
******************************************it wears me out.

(not so) Brave little soldier

Had some blood taken for the Karyotype test at the clinic this afternoon.
Like most men I'm a fainter when it comes to needles, but it all went very quickly and the nurse was great.

Going into the clinic we were confronted with a women and her child. Then there on the counter top was an advert for a book called 'miracle babies'. Sat down in the waiting area and on the table was a publication called something like 'Pregnancy monthly' with a special animated guide to hormones. So 3 things not to make me feel so cheerful. Anyway the sample is on its way, we are £160 lighter and the traffic on the way out of London was shocking.

On the brightside it looks likely we can begin our second attempt sooner rather than later. This means that in about 30ish days the misses can have the Prostrap injection. If all goes to plan we might have a result before Christmas.

NHS and IVF

The title sounds like a power struggle from Ulster in the 70's don't it?

Well according to the Health Secretary, you are supposed to have a 'free' shot of IVF on the NHS.
Obstruction No 1:
Our PCT (Primary Care Trust) does not seem to have a policy on IVF or waiting list or any information about a waiting list or any information about information about a waiting list.
The Doc's were pretty apologetic about this (they seem to be apologising quite a bit when it comes to IVF)
Obstruction No 2:
If you decide to go alone with your first treatment then you revoke your right to have a shot second time round.

I needed this Karyotype test doing from a blood sample and was given a letter from our IVF specialist explaining what was required. I duely went to my GP who informed me that there are only 5 or 6 nationally based centres that can carry out genetic blood testing. If he referred me for a test at such centre this could take 8-12 weeks.
It's easy to knock the NHS but all I need from them is a fucking blood test and that is complicated. The Doc apologised (again), explained that I could have this immediately if I went privately and wished me well. Thanks for fuck all (again).

So back to the clinic on Friday for a blood test. The only good news is that it will cost £100 not £250 as my GP indicated.

Oh I got up at 6.15 and went to the gym yesterday, at last. 3 weeks before the 10k have I left it too late?

Week 1

The crushing experience of a failed IVF treatment hit me in waves this week. It comes and goes with amazing degrees of frustration, anger and disappointment. Above all though by reading other blogs I'm still encouraged and am always saying to the misses that you can not loose HOPE.
I'm really good at dishing out advice but not so good at applying my so called pearls of wisdom to my own way of thinking. Hopefully sobriety will enable me to take a good look at how I tick and adjust my timing accordingly to get back on track on the happy train. The misery bus looks to have left town at the moment.


I have to have a blood test tomorrow, I really hate seeing my own blood and hope I can stop being such a jessie.
If the results come back good regarding the 'chromothing' then we can hopefully start again in November/December.


So this is my update after 1 week:

Booze
One week gone and ZERO units consumed. Went away at the weekend on a stag night which was a real test. Now the fella I went with are not exactly known as drinking legends however the evening started at 4.30 and I went to bed sober at 2.30am.
Felt OK not at all tetchy like when I stopped smoking. Good start.

Food
Not doing as well as I'd have liked but cut down on most shit. The fridge is full on Vegetables and I cooked a couple of mean veg curries which is a start. The multi vitamins are going down the neck OK and the food in the fridge and fruit bowl is full of anti-oxidants which should do my sperm count a favor.

Exercise
Still not doing enough. Start morning training from tomorrow.

The vital statistics
Weight 110kg (294lb) - No change from last week.

Headaches

I know I shouldn't be moaning but I have replaced my toxic heartburn with a shocking headache. The anti-oxi-whatsists are clearly doing the job.

I need to take a blood test so that the clinic can check for chromsomal abnormalities. This is called a Karyotype test. Dunno when I'm going to fit it in over the next few days, but we are determined to start again as soon as possible.
The real panic is if we don't start soon then I won't be able to have a beer on my birthday or at christmas/new year. Sounds stupid I know but it'll drive me mental as everyone gets hammered over the christmas period.
I felt like this when I first stopped smoking, wondering how i'd cope going on holiday with a ciggie but that don't bother me anymore so who knows.

It might just all be alright after all.

A bit of history, some lazy swimmers and roast dinners.

When we first found out we would need fertility treatment a couple of years back it didn't really hit me that hard at first. The misses was crushed but glad that she could stop feeling that there was something wrong with her. I just still didn't get it and when I did, well if you've been in that situation then you know.

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There is still a lot of information missing here about the history and I hope to be able to be honest with myself and fill them in as we go along.
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Cutting a long story short
So in April this year we finally settled on a clinic we were happy with, made contact and went for the initial consultation.
I was paralyzed with terror (whilst the misses had a note book so full of questions that would make Jeremy Paxman proud) I sat dumb, scared and at the same time tried to remember that there was two of us going through this process.

There were many visits to clinic over the next 3 months culminating the one last Friday to discuss why this cycle of IVF/ICSI did not work out for us.

It turns out that there is a possibility my sperm count could be increased by lifestyle changes, so this is what I must do. My lazy swimmers will need a great deal of help as will I.

******************The 90 Day Plan*********************

Cigarettes
Stopped my 20 a day habit 6 months ago, stopped coughing in May and do feel quite a bit better. Loved smoking and felt I was very good at it. Giving up was tough.

Booze
Ok, here is the thing, stopped smoking and began to drink twice the amount as before. Again very good at drinking but I have decided to knock it on the head for 3 months. An average of 50 units a week will be reduced to zero.

Food
Out goes no breakfast, cheese toasties at 10pm and finishing off any food the misses decides to leave on her plate.
In comes hemp seeds, 4 litres of water a day and plenty of fruit.

Exercise
Need to 'up my game'. I have a 10K run on October 8th in London which I want to complete in under an hour. So we have a starting point and this is the first goal.

The vital statistics
Weight 110kg (294lb)
Other measurements to follow.

So this is what I need to do....

"When we say that the embryologist had difficulty in finding good sperm, this is an understatement. For a while there we were very worried"

Suddenly it hit me. All at once, like being woken in the middle of the night.
We had emotionally invested so much in the ICSI treatment that did not work out for us and to hear those words made me remember what it felt like when I was first told we would need help.
You see like so many others I think I'd be a good dad. Infact I'd like to think that Mr Blue Sky would be the perfect dad with the perfect wife.

This blog is being written not for ego but for the hope that I stay focused and work towards achieving my goal. I hope to open up my feelings to myself for possibly the first time as blogging is cheaper than proper therapy.

Tomorrow the real hard work begins. I always think that I get the most out of each day and that I give everything my best shot. The next 90 days will see if I'm a bullshitter or not.