Wednesday, October 18, 2006

(just like) starting over

Approaching the start line, Prostap injection in hand, the misses and I begin our second IVF/ICSI attempt on Friday.

I am excited but at the same time cautious not to get cought up in the happy hysteria and unrealistic air of positivity I had first time round.
Don't get me wrong I am positive in my attitude but ready to accept that things don't always go the way you want them to.

We have prepared ourselves so far by being very open with each other and we have just spent the weekend in Bruges which is a beautiful place. We walked and talked ate lots of chocolate and said things to each other that previously went unmentioned.

The misses gave me a honest statement about how she felt about my drinking. In her words I was obnoxious, self obsessed, paranoid, arrogant, verbally aggressive(although she did say never to her) and defiant. Clearly this had put a significant strain on her everytime we went out as she didn't know when or if I would turn into an idiot. Instant asshole, just add alcohol.
I stopped smoking on March 5th. I replaced the cigarettes with additional alcohol. Being somebody who can drink a bit this didn't really come to my attantion until the summer. As the weather got better so does the time spent in the garden.
We have just had the hottest summer on record in the UK. By the end of the summer I was drinking at least 24 bottles of beer and a bottle of vodka in a three day period. I felt little effect at the time but clearly this does lead to some shocking hangovers and mood swings. Not to mention the damage it was doing to my sperm count and my body in general.
I also had other reasons to drink which I will come onto in a moment.

I asked her at the weekend "If I had continued with the drinking, where would that have left us?" the response was considered and and delivered with a little caution "not in a very good state"
It is easy to take things for granted, especially your relationships.

For the first time in 2 and a bit years I openly stated to the misses that I suffer from depression. It's not that it was new news to her, god knows she has been more than patient in helping me deal with it over the past couple of years. It's just that I have never said it openly, and now that I have it is another small step towards dealing with the illness. I feel like I have to no longer apologise for the way I feel and I have had very few bad days in the past six weeks. So I do feel better, I have a goal and the booze was not helping me deal with depression.
Whew...see blogging really is cheaper than therepy.

So the weekend was a success in more ways than one. We had such a good laugh together and in a city renowned for its hundreds of different beers we remained sober (5 weeks and counting) had great sex and ate fantastic food and chocolate.
Most of all we spent 3 days just being us, you know a couple. It was fantastic.

By the way Belgium is not at all boring and only 2 1/2 hours from London, so go and have a look it's just brilliant.

Friday is nearly here and we are off and running for the second time.

Bring it on.

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