I started something I couldn't finish

There are a great many things that go unsaid.
One of the biggest and most thorny issues facing couples going through IVF is mental health. Talking helps a great deal with your mental health. You can get things off your chest, you can get answers to questions be it good or bad, its good to talk.

What happens when you don’t want to talk? The hard shell that I had around my emotions had softened somewhat over the past 9 months.
I can feel it hardening again.

I hit my rock bottom in May. A series of misdemeanours caught up with me and delivered an inevitable turning point in my life. I was broken, desperate and peering over the edge. For the first time in too long I began to talk.
It all came out with such a force that I didn’t know what was coming out next. Sentence after sentence, constant streams of consciousness poured from me.
Everything I said I meant and it was all too true.
I spoke of my thoughts and feelings for the first time in too long. Maybe this was the only time I’d been honest with myself in years.

To mask the feeling of inadequacy and general self loathing I’d indulge in copious amount of alcohol to mask anything that laid beneath my veneer.
It turns out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Depression is a fear of what has happened and anxiety is a fear of what is to come.
Fucking brilliant huh? My therapist is excellent and has taught me some coping strategies as well as allowing me to talk.
My real fear is that I don’t know who I am and if I knew me would I like me?
I’ve tried so hard to be all things to everyone, every thought, every word uttered, every action, every overheard conversation is processed carefully to ensure that I am prepared for every outcome and possible response and most importantly of all to do the right thing.

I've set the bar so high that it is very difficult for me to acheive the goal of doing the right thing by everyone. Which means I fail far too often by my standards.
As a consequence this fear and inertia does a great deal for my confidence.

I’m defiantly on the mend since the birth of my son and there are times when I feel nothing but joy;
-When you are in bed and wake up at 4am look across at your other half and you snuggle into them. Its warm, you have time on your hands, nothing is more important than that cuddle in that moment of time.
- After giving my son his last feed at 11pm I scoop him up and hug him, Squeeze really tight, gently pressing my cheek against his, the room is dark and again there is that feeling that fills me to the brim with warmth and nothing else matters.

I’ve stopped pretending to be someone else and I’m an awful lot happier. My relationship with my wife is excellent. By not getting pissed out of my head every weekend I’m a better husband and hopefully father. I want to spend quality time with my family and will only have a couple of glasses of wine on a social occasion and not a couple of bottles.

Don’t get me wrong I’m far from fixed I still have feelings of deep guilt and have panic attacks on a regular basis. I’m still scared and I can’t forgive myself for nearly fucking things up. I’ve been really busy at work since the new year began and when I’m at home I’m very busy with the family. All of which are positives but just below the surface something is still bubbling.
Without the support of my wife I’d be long over the edge and who knows where and in what state. If I could give any advice it’d be: keep talking.
I nearly lost the most precious thing in my life and I’ll never take for granted the love and friendship I have with my misses. I love you babe x

Tomorrow is my first therapy session for a month, I can’t wait because there are some things that should never be unsaid.

Merry Christmas Everybody

This year has brought me the most wonderful present I could have wished for.
The little man is doing really well, amazing little character developing.
Here is the man in action with one of the very many annoying toys he'll own...





Merry Christmas to you all.
With love and best wishes xxx

there is a light that never goes out

Well here we are almost 4 months on from the arrival of our little treasure and boy has time flown.

The little fella is doing really well weighing in at 15lb 1oz. He settled into a routine of feeding and sleeping and has been in his own room for 6 weeks or so.

During the day he sleeps for exactly 30 minutes at a time, amazing biorhythm. I guess he has 4 naps a day. If he is out in the pram or the car he might sleep a little longer and at night, well we are blessed. He goes down at 7 and I give him a bottle at 11 (while the misses expresses off a bottle for the following night) he is really good through this ‘dream feed’ and wakes between 4 and 6 for another feed.

The misses gets to sleep in at weekends as I get him up and bath him and this is the time I get to see him do the fun stuff I don’t see when I’m working during the week.
I really miss out during the week as I’m out of the house before he wakes and rarely home before he is in bed. But the weekends are mine!
He really has changed so much, we had to move him out of our room because as he grew he’d bash the sides of the cot and wake himself and us and the dog.
Cian is really happy in his own room and he loves looking out of the window at the sky. He loves the leaves falling from the trees too.

Just last weekend he had a little cold and on closer inspection we could see he has a tooth trying to make its way out. So the bibs are on and fingers are in the mouth constantly.
We took him away for the misses’ birthday to a fantastic hotel and he was as good as gold. Fortunately the hotel we stayed in had a suite which meant we could eat room service in a lounge area and not sit in the bathroom waiting for him to fall asleep.

Sorry about the random nature of the post, things just keep popping up and structure is boring anyway.

So would I go through it all again? The jury is still out, IVF can bring you pain as well as the joy we have found. We are so very lucky to be where we are today and not in our wildest dreams did we expect it to turn out this well.

All apologies - Part 2

Everything is good, here come the excuses

Laptop trauma - ruined hard drive, not able to blog from work but now back in the saddle.

Job trauma - Company purchased a competitor, period of 'alignment' caught in the middle as an employee rep, found out today that job is secure. phew

Cian is doing really well, full post to follow soon.

Take care everyone xxx

Harvest Moon

It’s a little over a year since I began blogging about my IVF experience. This time nobody rained on my parade and we were very, very, very fortunate to achieve the goal we so desperately wished for.
Along this leg of the journey I have learned about myself, which is why I wanted to record my thoughts and experiences. I’m not mad but have finally opened myself up to therapy which I hope will make me a better person. I want to be a better person so that my misses can have a husband she can rely on for support, love and the things and feelings that go unsaid. I also want to be a better person in order to set a good example for my son.

Cian is just awesome, a real dream come true. He means so much to me and I cant stop hugging him, smelling him, looking at him, talking about him and thinking about him. Finally we have a break in people coming to our house which means I get to have him all to myself and not make frequent trips to the supermarket and make cups of tea.

I just wanted to say a word about my wife. I can not begin to state just how much admiration I have for her. What's more I can not begin to say just how much she means to me and that her strength and support makes me the man I am today.

I’m not exactly fitter, but I am happier.




Oh yeah, I'm really into Neil Young at the moment. I used to think he was all old man rock and whine whine whinge but it turns out he has sung some of the most beautiful songs ever recorded.

Being a girl

I have been reliably informed that when your child is born the testosterone levels in the father decreases. This is to allow father and child to bond, it also turns the father into a girl.

Instance No 1 -
Happily sitting on the sofa watching Casino Royale with the boys (Cian and the dog) and I should have been marveling at the beautiful Aston Martin DB9 sport with added defibrillator or the array of fine stunts and Daniel Craig's new super macho version of 007. I say should have been because what actually happened is that I was sitting there and blurted out, "He loves her, oh man he loves her. She's going to die now" and it was delivered without an ounce of irony or sarcasm. I meant it I was worried for Bond and how would he cope if she died, he has never opened is heart....
See what I mean? I'm not supposed to think or say those things.

Instance No 2 -
In the kitchen with the misses chatting about our anniversary and what to have for dinner whilst enjoying a really lovely embrace (see doing it again) I opened my eyes and glanced over her shoulder and said "sorry babe there is a mark on the fridge door" I picked up a cloth, ran it under the hot tap, walked over to the fridge and wiped the mark away. Then picked up a paper towel to wipe away the water mark left by the cloth and then turned round to see the misses open mouthed with jaw on the floor before I said "I'm turning into a woman please make it stop!!"

I feel a little more like my old self today, perhaps I'll put on Apocalypse Now and marvel at the natural beauty of the Vietnamese fauna and flora......no no no that's not hows it goes......

In a blink of an eye

A week has passed since our little miracle appeared and boy has it been busy.

Cian and Amanda we're kept in the hospital until Monday so the specialists could keep an eye on them both. There were some difficulties during the later stages of labour but all is well with them both. I was so very pleased to have them home with me at last.

It's an amazing experience the birth of a child. We had waited and hoped that maybe one day we would be fortunate enough to get there. We dared to dream, had hopes dashed and felt the pits of despair. This baby of ours was so wanted and we are happier than we could have ever imagined.

I hope that other bloggers can find hope as we did and that you also dare to dream.

With Love xxx

Hello Sunshine

Bean arrived today at 13:50 (London time)

Name: Cian Thomas John (Surname)
Weight: 7lb 2oz

Mum and baby doing well, everyone is exhausted after 2 days with no sleep but so very delighted. I'm in a state of delerium. I must sleep but here are some pix:

Any day now

Still awaiting the arrival of Bean.
A is sleeping much better and I'm being less of a pain in the hole!

There was a meteor shower last Sunday which coincided with the 30th anniversary of Elvis's death and I was sure Bean would arrive, alas......

Thanks again to you all for your support and kind words and site visits.
This blog community is very special to me and I enjoy reading about others life experiences. It not only keeps my feet on the ground but provides such comfort knowing there are many people going through difficult circumstances and coming out the other side.

Heres hoping and praying that the next few days continue to bring us good fortune

The Boxer

consultant
noun [C]
1 someone who advises people on a particular subject:
a management/financial/computer consultant
a firm of public relations consultants

2 UK a specialist (= doctor with special training and knowledge in a particular area of medicine)

3 A breed of patronising asshole who really deserves to be kicked in the bollocks at regular intervals thus ensuring the smug persona is kept in check

_______________________________________________

The hospital visit went pretty well and if Bean decides not to appear before, then the misses is booked in for Induction next Saturday (18th).
The scan showed Bean is healthy but the sad thing is that we struggled to tell what was what at this late stage. I love looking at Bean on the ultrasound and marveling at the seemingly impossible sight of our little miracle.
A still expects to be told that there is no baby there and it's all been a mistake.

Measurements are all just above average to initial fears of a whopper have been allayed. Bean should weigh something like 7lb 11oz.
The sonographer, maternity assistant and midwife were all very friendly and a pleasure to deal with.
The consultant on the other hand was feckin eejit. Why do they have to speak like you are a dribbling moron? Needless to say I had to put him straight and the remainder of the consultation was very matter of fact. I know I shouldn't be surprised or angered but man they get on my tits with the way they treat you.

If there is any news over the weekend then I'll keep the blog updated.

Take care everyone
Px

How do you sleep?

4am - "sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

I must have looked terrified being woken by the slightest of touches by A.
Thing is I've been sleeping so very well the past few weeks. You could say that my sleep is more akin to hibernation. Today though we were both awake at 4 and not getting up to catch a flight.

The misses has been having sh*t sleeping patterns and rarely gets more than 3 hours at a time. As she commented yesterday "if the bodies way of preparing you for sleep deprivation is by depriving you of sleep then how does that stack up?"

We are going to see a consultant at the hospital tomorrow and may need another scan to check everything is ok. Don't think there is anything to worry about but if there is the slightest concern then rest assured I will blow it up, keep it inside and worry like Mr Worrier winner of last years biggest worrier of the year competition.

Happy/excited and just a little scared!!

Somebody told me

2 weeks to go and the evil hormones have kicked in!! Poor A she is fed up and has a bad foot, is suffering from a severe lack of sleep and the British Summer has finally arrived. I'm doing my best impression of a good supportive husband and so far so good. I think I'm getting to grips with this whole thing.

I'm so very excited now and everyday feels like christmas eve.

The 'Travel System' arrived yesterday. In the old days they called it a pushchair but in an effort to justify the high cost and generate interest from the male of the species they came up with the masterstroke of calling it a 'Travel System'.

It's brilliant, pram this way, do a bit of pushing pulling and un-popping of buttons and hey its a pushchair. The car seat also clips straight into the frame. It also has an assortment of attachements, rain cover, warm foot cover (small and large), sun blind thing and a couple of other bits to keep me amused. The car seat fits well and with practice I think I'll manage to get the process down to 7-10 seconds like the Ferarri F1 pit team. Sh*t, never thought I'd be so happy to have a pushchair/travel system.

Baby Bean is getting big and indications are that it'll be around or above the 9lb weight. Looks like another scan is required as the baby is gonna be big. All the bags are packed, we have 4 in total. 2 for Bean, 1 for A and 1 general bag with the camera, video camera, sweets & snacks, medical notes, lists...
My mate also advised me to put a pillow in the car with a change of clothes, man its like going on vacation and every bit as exciting.

My head is being fixed by the head doctor and everything is much more positive.

Everlong

Hello, I've waited here for you....

So we are at 36 weeks and hopefully I'm just a short time from meeting Bean.
It feels as though it has been an extraordinarily long time coming from those first steps on the IVF trail. Not for a moment has the feeling of doubt left me. We are so close and still can't believe how well it is going.

The misses is in great health and everything is ready and waiting. Everything remains crossed and it's difficult no to get carried away and allow myself to get too excited.

Ain't got no....

Nina Simone, wow what a woman what a voice.
Me and the misses took a short trip down to North Cornwall and I duly loaded the iPod with some new material. I'm unsure if it was the mood of the music or that I was felling very relaxed and open but every song that blasted out made me want to cry. Cry in a good way I was sort of euphoric and filled with energy during one song 'Ain't got no/ I got life'.
So I now have 3 songs to pick me up when I'm low!!

33 weeks down and gradually the misses is getting a little more uncomfortable and finding it difficult to sleep most nights. The kicking and moving seems to increase when I'm chatting or singing which I'm taking as a positive!

Great news over at 'Pattycake' & 'Gills blog, please pop over and offer them some encouragement. It really means a great deal to get a kind word, I know that I have benefited.

Well we're heading into the final stages and I hope to update a little more frequently.

Take care
px

Tellin' stories

I am preparing for the very serious business of fatherhood by taking note of some highly recommended literature. In other news Bean's room is coming along very nicely and I have some pictures available here.

The misses is 31 weeks into this adventure and the Doc said that the baby is likely to be around the 9lb mark. Both she and Bean are healthy and both have been advised to take things a little more leisurely. Bean is quite active and likes to party into the wee small hours, can't think where that comes from........Around 5am I can pretty much guarantee the smell of fresh toast wafting from the kitchen as Bean orders another snack from room service. Baby Bean also seems to enjoy ice cream, breakfast cereal, oranges and spicy food (especially Indian).

I'm doing a little better and have strted to deal with my problems by talking it through with a profesional. It's a long road but I'm in a really positive mood.

Little Bear

30 weeks and all is well. Bean is a real livewire, moving, hiccuping, punching getting feet stuck in the misses rib cage.
We still can't believe how lucky we are.

We've managed to decorate the baby's room and it is begining to fill with nappies, clothes, bedding and assorted stuff. It really is happening.

Hope you are all doing well
p x

Karma Police

Everything is good with the misses and Bean, however...

Struggling with motivation to update the blog at the moment as everything should be so right but its all so wrong. Need some time to sort myself out.

Take care and I hope to be back soon x

Hey, turn that music up......

Bean is a lively little one, I have been trying to ensure that good tunes are being heard by Bean.
So far not a fan of Depeche Mode or Bloc Party, Does like some fast paced Funky House music and Scott Matthews.

Till there was you

Where to start? So much has happened and so much of it pretty boring.

Bean is doing really well. The 22 week scan showed that Bean is approx 1lb 6oz and growing at the end of the scale. There seems to be no doubt that he/she will be a monster. My poor misses......

The scan also showed a profile shot and you can clearly see hands, feet, spine, heart and sadly for Bean a nose as pointy as mine. I'll try and add the latest scan picture later on tonight.

The misses is well and enjoying the unseasonably good weather we are enjoying in the UK. No rain and 15 days of temperatures in the 70's. She has an ever increasing bump and I can feel bean moving about. It is a fantastic feeling.

Oh and we decided on a boys name yesterday which came with no arguments and no discussion, it just sounded right which is pretty cool. Girls names however are proving a little more tricky.