Blue Skies

So here we are, tonight is the eve of Cian’s 1st birthday. When you are told that life passes you by quicker when you are a parent it is difficult to understand.

In the last 12 months I have given everything to make sure that our little miracle has had the most comfortable and enjoyable year possible. I can only hope that one day that he looks back and understands why it is that his parents love him so much.
It’s easy for other people to say “oh what a special baby” but the truth is he is but the only a select few will understand just what that means.

I love you son and every day I thank my lucky stars, ‘cos I got all I want and all I want is you.

Smile

So then on Monday the wee man reached 10 months and no matter how many times people tell you that time goes fast you will never appreciate what they are on about.

With hindsight I can’t emphasize just how much all the ups and downs of the IVF experience was worth it. We are lucky to have been successful at the second attempt and I know that many couples strive for longer periods and have more complicated journeys, some of which come to a painful nothing, but I can only speak from my own experience.
There is hope and at times it was difficult to see the wood through the trees.

Cain has grown so fast and is a healthy and happy baby. He has his own personality and continues to do something new each day. Each day I am thankful for the gift we have been given and I intend to make the most of it.
First of all there is the smile, at first you think it is wind but soon I realised he is smiling because I am his Dad. That smile gives me the most joyful feeling and fills me with warmth.
Now he his beginning to chat, as a child I was a vocal kid and continue to be a chatter box. Nothing makes sense but he seems to know what he’s on about. In the mornings we can hear him talking to the teddies in his cot or the animals on his bedroom wall.
The screaming when he is in pain is quite another thing. It goes through you like no noise I’ve ever heard, it rips the very heart from you and leaves your ears ringing for hours.
Teething is deeply unpleasant but the good thing is he won’t remember it.

Not sure what else to say, it gets a bit boring reading minute details about other peoples kids so I’ll stop here!

The Misses remains my hero and I know that she is so very happy about having gone through the trials and tribulations. She said she loves her new job as a Mum but the hours suck.


I’m still having regular meetings with my head doctor and can’t tell you how much this has also been of benefit. Gradually my confidence has been restored and I’m feeling so much more positive and genuinely happier. I have very few dark days and have ways of dealing with them, sometimes it works sometimes it don’t.


Take care and I hope that this serves as a positive episode of our story which may be of use to someone out there.

May your God bless you.
Namaste

Hello again

Bless me father, it has been 4 months since my last post.

Hello.
Cian is doing just fine and I have spent the past week away with him on holiday in Cornwall. It was great to spend some time with him and it was only 'some time' as my Mum was with us too and she whisked him off at every opportunity. Can't blame her as be are always talking about how difficult to road is to get to this point.

I have also been working away for the past few months and have much to talk about, hopefully I will post again in the next couple of days with a bit of an update.

Take care x

Wide open space

We are running out of room, the man may be small but his stuff is plentlyful.

Cian is doing great, he's now on a diet of mushed up vegetables, baby rice and mothers milk. Little by little he is becoming his own person and no matter how much I had hoped for him to be with us, I still can't believe he is here.

I started something I couldn't finish

There are a great many things that go unsaid.
One of the biggest and most thorny issues facing couples going through IVF is mental health. Talking helps a great deal with your mental health. You can get things off your chest, you can get answers to questions be it good or bad, its good to talk.

What happens when you don’t want to talk? The hard shell that I had around my emotions had softened somewhat over the past 9 months.
I can feel it hardening again.

I hit my rock bottom in May. A series of misdemeanours caught up with me and delivered an inevitable turning point in my life. I was broken, desperate and peering over the edge. For the first time in too long I began to talk.
It all came out with such a force that I didn’t know what was coming out next. Sentence after sentence, constant streams of consciousness poured from me.
Everything I said I meant and it was all too true.
I spoke of my thoughts and feelings for the first time in too long. Maybe this was the only time I’d been honest with myself in years.

To mask the feeling of inadequacy and general self loathing I’d indulge in copious amount of alcohol to mask anything that laid beneath my veneer.
It turns out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Depression is a fear of what has happened and anxiety is a fear of what is to come.
Fucking brilliant huh? My therapist is excellent and has taught me some coping strategies as well as allowing me to talk.
My real fear is that I don’t know who I am and if I knew me would I like me?
I’ve tried so hard to be all things to everyone, every thought, every word uttered, every action, every overheard conversation is processed carefully to ensure that I am prepared for every outcome and possible response and most importantly of all to do the right thing.

I've set the bar so high that it is very difficult for me to acheive the goal of doing the right thing by everyone. Which means I fail far too often by my standards.
As a consequence this fear and inertia does a great deal for my confidence.

I’m defiantly on the mend since the birth of my son and there are times when I feel nothing but joy;
-When you are in bed and wake up at 4am look across at your other half and you snuggle into them. Its warm, you have time on your hands, nothing is more important than that cuddle in that moment of time.
- After giving my son his last feed at 11pm I scoop him up and hug him, Squeeze really tight, gently pressing my cheek against his, the room is dark and again there is that feeling that fills me to the brim with warmth and nothing else matters.

I’ve stopped pretending to be someone else and I’m an awful lot happier. My relationship with my wife is excellent. By not getting pissed out of my head every weekend I’m a better husband and hopefully father. I want to spend quality time with my family and will only have a couple of glasses of wine on a social occasion and not a couple of bottles.

Don’t get me wrong I’m far from fixed I still have feelings of deep guilt and have panic attacks on a regular basis. I’m still scared and I can’t forgive myself for nearly fucking things up. I’ve been really busy at work since the new year began and when I’m at home I’m very busy with the family. All of which are positives but just below the surface something is still bubbling.
Without the support of my wife I’d be long over the edge and who knows where and in what state. If I could give any advice it’d be: keep talking.
I nearly lost the most precious thing in my life and I’ll never take for granted the love and friendship I have with my misses. I love you babe x

Tomorrow is my first therapy session for a month, I can’t wait because there are some things that should never be unsaid.