It's 'Bean' a while

Yesterday (Friday) we had our first scan and the misses was on tenterhooks. I was pretty relaxed about the whole thing as she seems to looking pregnant with things like a bump is growing, the boob fairy has defiantly paid a visit and everything in the kitchen turns her stomach.

So we were absolutely blown away to see a little 'Bean' with a heartbeat on the ultrasound.
Bean is developing at a good rate 14mm in length and is only a couple of days behind (7w5d).

There is a palatable relief and even though the misses has to remain careful and cautious we have a 95% chance of going full term which is the best odds we've had so far.

So there it is, little Bean is lighting up my January.

I need a trip to Fun Land

Working between Christmas and New Year is a waste of time.

I can't even muster the enthusiasm to look for another job. I'd rather be having a walk with the misses and the dog or sinking pints in a pub with my brother.

The warm Christmas memories will hopefully remain long enough into the new year to beat off that feeling of hate I have for January. It is a strange thing to have a massive dislike for a month but it never brings anything good. Everyone has a dark misery cloud over their heads for the entire month, everyone is skint, the weather is shite and all I look forward to is the FA Cup third round.

We have our first scan next Friday and I can only hope that everything is alright. The misses is feeling pretty queezy most of the time but in truth we have no idea how things are progressing.

We are just hopeful.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.

~Benjamin Franklin

May you all have a very Happy New Year xx

Have yourself a merry little christmas

May your heart be light.



May I wish everybody a very merry christmas.

Paul x

Learn to fly

Feeling festive if little tired. My job is getting me down and I'm looking forward to the few days off at Christmas.
I have been doing my best to help the misses remain comfortable and stress free.

I have learnt the following things that I should already know but 'cos I'm a bloke its new to me:

• I actually now know that the different washing machine settings really do mean something.
• I know that the mass of cleaning products under the sink are plenty and there a great many things to remember when you cleaning different rooms.
• I know that I'm no expert and I miss a few things.
• I know that I had no idea how hard work it is keeping a home as well as doing a job.
• I know that it keeps getting dirty as soon as you have finished cleaning.
• I know I'm going to have to continue this for some time

In bloom

Finally I have five minutes to download my brain after an eventful few days.

Friday - initial hysteria and disbelief carried us through the day and into the evening, jaw ache from smiling and just a couple of glasses of Verve Cliquot in the company of some friends topped the day off very nicely.

Saturday - Another test another (stronger) line wow it really is happening. It was my birthday this weekend and I had pre arranged with my brother an afternoon out at the rugby. Before coming onto that afternoon/evening/next morning we had some visitors.

The misses brother moved to Wales in the summer with his wife their two beautiful daughters.
This weekend they were staying at the MIL's and we spent the morning there catching up and playing with the girls. Everyone was so delighted with our news and really pleased for us both. It was great not to have to have 'those' thoughts. (By 'those' I mean the bad ones)
The misses stayed with them all day and enjoyed the fun and games you have with a 2 and 4 year old.
Meanwhile I went out with my brother on the train to the match (acting like a pair of 8 year olds) chatting, laughing and generally being boys. I hadn't felt this relaxed for such a long time.
We had trouble getting to the stadium and the queues for the shuttle bus went on for miles. We ended up chatting to a bus driver who's route sort of went near the stadium and I persuaded 40-50 people that I knew where I was going and if the wanted to get to the game on time they should follow me!! We did make 10 minutes into the game and a good crowd of 17,000 were in full voice and my team was winning. Our team were playing a much stronger side and we had not even hoped to get near them let alone beat them comfortably. More beer, more chatting to the lads from Ulster another cab ride, another pub, more beer, cab ride home, fall into bed 3.30am.

Sunday (Birthday; 32 and already had the best present ever!)- Ouch. I knew I'd booked a hangover and here it was.
The girls came over to our house and helped me open my gifts and blew out the candles on my cake. When they left all I managed to do was lay on the couch all day with the misses but it was perfect. We did another test and kept grinning.

Monday - Off to work (man I'm having a tough time even with the good news each day is just a constant battle) then off to the clinic in the afternoon for the blood test. The blood went to the lab and the results came in this morning: HCG level322 (14dp3dt) which is very good news. We have a scan booked for 5th Jan ( 7 weeks) which will be our last visit to the clinic before we are handed over to the good old NHS. Spent the afternoon at me Ma's house and loved it as she phoned the rest of the family and her friends to let them know.


We have been so very touched by peoples kindness. Family and friends and people we don't know have expressed kind wishes.
The blog community has proved very important to us and I never dreamed that I would find such hope, inspiration, information, warmth, positivity and friendship as genuine and sincere as I have. As we both have.
Thank you all so very much, with much love
Paul and Amanda xx

"F*** me, there are two lines"

Woohoo!!

Woke up this morning at 6.33 after not really sleeping very well and in the most unromantic moment we've ever had in our bed asked "do you need to go to the toilet yet?"

The misses in the the bathroom and shouts "F*** me there are two lines".

It was true, I never expected it to actually work but it's bloody true.

Phoned the Mum's, who were naturally delighted, held it together with a dose of realism. You know the convesation - "early days, blood test Monday, it's only 99% accurate etc"

Got in the car and burst into tears after 2 minutes.

So delighted.
I changed the words a little to Bob Dylan's Tangled up in blue:

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',

I was layin' in bed

Wond'rin' if she'd peed at all

If her stick had turned pink!!

गणेश

May Ganesh, the god of good fortune, be with you all.

Namaste

I just don't know what to do with myself

Mmmm, Okay, alright, yeah not bad, oh you know, good thanks, fine, average, how are you?

All answers to the question that greets you more times than you care to remember in a day. People have asked about my well being over 30 times today. Only 2 or 3 actually were interested in the response.
Why do you bother asking people how they are? Common courtesy I suppose and I've never really gauged the reaction with so much interest before. We are all guilty though of not really giving a shit if someone you work with is going through the mill or is on top of the world.

Truth is I have no idea how I feel. I have been very busy in my job (working stupid hours so far this week) and things are not to clever with the project I am running. However it has kept my mind off the dreaded wait for long patches of time. My misses has been really struggling and we speak 5 or 6 times a day to check up on each other. This is also not the normal pattern. I really don't know what to do, we really don't know what to do.

Also there has been some possible good news from blog buddies which has really turned things upside down. Do we do a test yet? Dare we do a test yet? That was a rhetorical question by the way, please don't make it harder for us!! - Good luck girls we are thinking of you.

We have the old blood test booked for Monday afternoon. Tick bloody tock.

I was sent this by a collegue who was trying give me some inspiration as my project decends into a big pile of wet elephant shit:

perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim
-Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Utter bollocks.

Try Not To Breathe

This time last year I was in Nepal climbing a few hills and eventually getting to a peak of 4100m (nearly 14,000 feet). Now, if I thought that trekking in the Himalaya was tough, I was wrong.

Nepal is a fantastic country, we visited during a cease fire and were trekking in a part of the country that was overrun by Maoist rebels however, our trek leaders had planned ahead and written to the head honchos. We had been granted a safe passage through the mountains and we're guaranteed a stress free stroll in the foothills of the highest peaks on planet earth. We we're unaware of this (typical tourists) however I had been following the political situation with some interest and thought that we may meet some freedom fighters on our travels. If truth be told I was actually very keen on meeting these people, as long as no one was going to point an AK47 at me or my Mum. Oh I forgot to say that I did this trek with me Ma.
Any way all we really had to do on this once in a lifetime experience was walk. We had sherpa’s to carry the baggage, tents, food, etc.

I fell in love with the county and the people but most of all this experience made me realise just how fucking lucky I am to be me. More importantly I taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to have choices in life.

This 2WW is really getting to me. My Misses has been amazing, not a single whinge. She has been really unwell since the egg collection but has not complained once. It kills me to see her hurting physically.
In many ways it is a piece of piss for us fellas, we’ve done our bit and are allowed to get on with our usual patterns. After the last attempt at IVF we are more prepared for things not to go our way.
It still really hurts though to see her not at 100% and every time she twinges I am immediately concerned. All we can do is wait………

River Deep, Mountain High

Hello world. This is the first drunk post.
It's really unfair how I can now do whatever I want and get drunk whilst the misses has to keep it together.

I honestly did not expect to have other people reading my blog and feel that I may have changed my style of blogging since I became aware that there is an excellent support network of people I have never met, but who really understand what me and the Misses are going through.

So on behalf of the Misses and I, a heartfelt thank you is in order. We read your blogs with interest and it has had such a big impact on our lives that we are both eager to chat about your posts and wish you all the very best in your IVF adventures.
You are all in our thoughts and anyone who is going through this process has our sincere best wishes.

Partnership is the key to keeping sane in my experience, so here is how I feel expressed by words I can never put together:

Do I love you my oh my
River deep, mountain high
If I lost you would I cry
Oh how I love you baby, baby, baby, baby

-Performed by Ike And Tina Turner

- Written by Ellie Greenwich, Jeff Barry, and Phil Spector

Born Of Frustration

I'm living in the weirdest dream
Where nothing is the way it seems
Where no ones who they need to be
Where nothing seems that real to me
What can we build our lives upon
No wall of stone, no solid ground
The world is spinning endlessly
Were clinging to our own beliefs

-Tim Booth

Can't articulate the feeling we are feeling, just very frustrated and can't stand this infernal wait.

Stick with you

This morning we had a call from the clinic. The senior embryologist apologised for not calling us yesterday but there really was little news he could have given us.
We were both a little on edge and even though it is sensible to deduce that no news is good news, this whole IVF journey has, if nothing else, made me a little sceptical.

Turns out the 4 little beauties had done well over the weekend and two in particular we're making excellent progress. (In the UK you are only allowed to have 2 embryos transferred)
Naturally we were delighted and made the journey into London with a good feeling.

Again the staff greeted us like royalty and the Doc was as calm as ever.
We were given an enhanced photo of the 2 embryos which will hopefully one day make it into a photo album. "and heres you 72 hours after conception.."

So with the misses on the operating table and after a brief chat with the embryologist the Doc said "OK, lets make you pregnant."
Last time I couldn't see through my teary eyes as I was in awe of the whole process. This time I was on hand to actually give the misses some support! It really is an amazing moment.

Everything so far has gone to plan and I hope the little magic embryos manage to get a snug little place to settle and hold on. Shes gonna have to take it easy and fortunately her boss has allowed her time off work which is a good thing.

Lucky

I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time,
I feel my luck could change.

- Thom Yorke

The call came. We have 4 fertilized eggs. Find out about the quality tomorrow,

Night Swimming

Wow.
Today got off to a great start. 16 follicles from the misses and my count had increased to 20 million.
At last, I'm Mr Average!!

The embryologist came into the recovery area when the misses went into the operating theatre to have a little 'chat' with me. She explained that there had been a recent science paper which showed and incresed rate to motality/morphology whatever when more than one sample was given. Our clinic were keen to go along with this advice from the research.

Embryologist: "so, we would like you to produce 3 samples for us today"

Me: "three?"

E: "yes sir"

Me: "you are aware that I am not 19?"

Nothing like an ill timed joke however she laughed gracfully and I agreed to try my best.

The misses was in a little discomfort when she first came round but we were more hopeful once we had received good news about the quality of my sample(s). We had swimmers (woo hoo)
It was certanly a great deal better than the first IVF attempt.

So right now we are at home. I am enjoying my first beer for 12 weeks and feeling pretty optimistic.

We find out tomorrow about the quality of the embryos.

My wife has been (as ever) so very brave. Her strength and determination knows no bounds and I understand just how much she wants this to work. We have prepared well and we hope for the best. Babe, I love you xx

slán

Tomorrow never knows

"Turn off your mind, Realx
and float down stream" - Lennon/McCartney 1966

One day to go and the misses has been a real trooper. Not a single whinge
whilst I've been like an angst ridden teenager going through growing
pains.
I'm unapologetic about this though as it has been important for me to
genuinely express how I feel. Looking back over the past 10-12 weeks it's been up and down but overall I'm really quite surprised by how I feel tonight. Whilst we are far from any kind of finishing line its a relief to be at this point.

I am so incredibly proud of my wife and really want things to go well. We've both followed medical advice to ensure that we have given ourselves the best possible chance.
We have been taking the correct vitamin supplements, eating a very balanced diet of organic food and little or no red meat meat. In fact we've almost become vegetarians. No alcohol at all (yes really none) and even though I still do not cut a figure like an olympic athlete I feel healthier than I can remember.

My answerphone had a message on it when I left the office tonight, it was me Ma.
Mums always know the right things to say, and I'm not going to repeat the message but all I'll say is that I love me Ma and all she has ever done is love and encourage me.
I don't tell her enough.

The misses in tucked up in Bed and we leave fro the clinic at 7am. 25 miles from the clinic but getting into central London can take up to 90 minutes.

I'm genuinely excited for the first time in weeks. (Unusually it's not because after nearly 3 months I can finally have a beer) I am really feeling positive and its all down to my brilliant wife.

Who knows what will become of the follicles and my lazy spermatozoa tomorrow. All I know is that we've done all we can and we're 100% together.

All the small things

Had a great weekend with the misses.
Friday night was date night and we went to see a movie (Borat) laughed ourselves silly ate a bucket of popcorn and had a really enjoyable night.
Saturday we went to lake nearby with my brother and the two dogs. The 5 mile walk just sailed by with crisp blue sky and the trees dropping their coloured leaves was a really heart warming sight. Chatting about the small things that matter and not thinking about IVF made a real change.

I did bring the subject up towards the end of the walk and the feeling was that we were unsure if we had a feeling about it at all!!

The misses has another scan tomorrow before the egg harvest on Friday. She has a cute little pot belly where the eggs are growing and the doc says there are about 16 (last time there were 24) which will hopefully mean she won't be as uncomfortable as last time.

Friday is coming and I'm hoping for the best. My men have been well trained and I hope they decide to fucking behave themselves and give the embryologist an easier task than last time.

Then its back on Monday to find out how many have embryos have been developing over the weekend and if they are any good transfered back to their home.

Then comes the wait..................................................................

Helter Skelter

On my way back up to the top o’ the slide after spending some quality time inside my own head.
The misses goes in for a scan tomorrow morning to check on the egg generation. We had plenty to choose from on our first attempt and I hope that this time also provides a generous crop.

Been reading more blogs which I have tried to resist but they have given me heart. There are a few men who are articulating their experience and its great feel that you are not alone.
(Thanks for the message of encouragement Smarshy)

It seems that the IVF experience differs slightly this side of the pond but the emotions are very much the same.
Excuse me whilst I get my ‘Prana’ back in check.

Anything else?

Fuck it.
Yesterday (Friday) was our visit to the clinic. The misses had to have a small op to assist in the IVF/ICSI process and to pick up her daily injections which started yesterday.

Whilst we were waiting to go into the pre op area in the main reception a young girl was crawling around. I was not in the feckin mood to talk to anyone least of all a baby. The child (inevitably) crawled up to me smiled and tried to climb my leg. Despite my snarl and general non interest body language, the child (we later established her name was Mary) really wanted to get on my lap.

Not that it mattered but the child had downs syndrome and her smile was warm enough to make my day. I picked her up and she sat quite contently then played the get down get back up game until we were called into the pre op area.

The Misses was questioned by the anaesthetist checking to ensure that there would be no sign that her teeth would fall out or uncontrollable vomiting if he got the dose wrong. Thankfully the routine op (chargeable of course) went without a hitch and 30 minutes later she was in the recovery area checking the heart rate monitor attached to her finger every 2 minutes. It kept me amused for awhile at least this time after being knocked out and doped up she refrained from attempting to repeatedly hug the nurse.

Whilst she was in the recovery room I was summoned for my SA. The humiliation room was restocked with different reading material than before. Dignity stripped I want back and sat with the misses until she was felling a bit more normal.

Before we left to go home the doc wanted to have a ‘chat’ with us.
The SA showed a massive improvement on the count 14 million up from 3 million in August when we tried for the first time.
Brilliant, the non drinking, healthy eating, vitamin popping, exercise taking lifestyle had paid off. Had it bollocks.

Turns out the mortality rate and abnormality rates were worse. In fact the doc said there was nothing alive. Cue mental and emotional breakdown along with the collapse of remaining self belief and ability to think straight.

Get me the fcuk out of here. “there is no feckin point taking the injections” was all it could mumble before shaking the docs and rejecting any attempt of anyone trying to comfort me.

On the journey home the silence was only broken by a call from the doc saying he had spoken with the embryologist and they thought we should proceed with the treatment,

Cheeky bastards want the money and don’t give a shit about giving us false hope – was all I could think.

I had just been beaten up emotionally again and I just wanted to put the car in the river.

Given a bit of time and a subsequent conversation with the doc once I got home, I realised that they were professionals and if there was no chance of it happening then they would not let us continue.

We still have a small chance but I am still in no mood to think that even a flicker of hope is enough for it to work.

Bollocks to it. Lets go through the motions and see what happens. Can’t possibly feel any worse than it does now can it?

"When you say it's gonna happen "now"

Well, when exactly do you mean ?

See, i've already waited too long

And all my hope is gone"

– The Smiths, How soon is now?

Heart Shaped Box

With the good news in it thought I’d post an update on me and my feelings. It’s been difficult over the past 2 weeks as I’ve been aching for a beer but it was listening to a Bob Dylan track yesterday and the lyrics really stuck me. The song is Positively 4th Street and I related the song as if I was singing it to myself when I’m drunk, or the old me not made up my mind yet.

This kicked me up the arse and I have a renewed rigour and determination.

• Back to the gym,
• no more caffeine (been having a coffee or two every day),
• no more whinging about not having any alcohol
• and finally try to smile a little more often.

I am very excited and can’t help thinking that this time it’ll all be ok and we’ll get the result we want. Experience should teach me to be guarded and approach the situation with caution. Light fuse and stand well back sort of thing.

Last time I was cashing cheques at the bank of emotion that had no chance of clearing as I was over my emotion overdraft limit. This time I’ve cleared the overdraft but am still writing the same cheques.
We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

We find out how it all goes on 8th December which is 2 days short of my birthday.
I hope we have bit of luck

Pride (In the name of love)

This morning we had confirmed dates with the clinic regarding of our second attempt to ascend to the summit of Mt IVF.

Stage 1
Friday 10th November we go in and the misses goes under sedation for a small treatment. The daily injections begin today and we are underway.

Stage 2
Friday 24th November is the egg collection and sample time. Over that weekend the embryologists will be working their magic to produce some good quality eggs ready for the transfer on Monday 27th November.

Stage 3
We then hold our breath for 12 days until the 8th December when we will have a result.

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” – Mark Twain